Balls of Fury

It is well-established that the ignorant masses can be manipulated and exploited through sport. For historical reasons, however, a veritable plethora of sports exist, each catering to a different category of accountholders: football for simpletons, golf for narcoleptics, and soccer for terrorists.

Baseball is popular among the less-stupid segment of consumers, but it, too, is in dire need of an image overhaul in order to spice it up and hold the attention of the poor and simple.

Our five-year plan calls for all types of athletic event to be combined into a single, simple game easily understood by the peasants, that embodies our core values of violence and consumerism. It will be called Basefootshopathon-allet. Special “hyper-bowl” events will be held twice a week.